Thanks to Jon Thomson for this nice collection.

1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23.. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues.
 

I am not nor would not wish the plight of the people of Pakistan to be under estimated. It is without question a disaster of biblical proportions with 20 million stories of tragedy beyond comprehension.

Nonetheless, it exasperates the hell out of me the way that the media is misrepresenting the aid that is peing pledged.

How many people are aware for example that the Asian Development Bank (ADB) is providing Pakistan with $2,000,000,000 (two billion dollars) to help it recover from the devastating floods?
That the UN has pledged $460,000,000, the US $150,000,000, the EU $135,000,000 and Saudi Arabia, $105,000,000?

I am not suggesting for one moment that individuals and organisations should cease raising donations, quite the reverse, I think it right to do so, but I do feel that the media is once again cherry-picking what it reports to the point of missleading and deceiving the public.

The real news should be what is being done, who is doing it, how quickly or otherwise things are being achieved, what we can do as communities and as individuals.

NOT repeatedly showing the same picture of people stood up to their knees in water as a precurser to an appeal, as the BBC has done .
I cite this example because in my view, the imagery they use has clearly been staged for the cameras.  Look carefully the next time it is shown and you can see people to the left and the rear of the picture stood on dry ground looking at the people stood in the water.
Why else would you want to stand in dirty water, when there is dry ground yards away, unless someone had asked you to do so for the purpose of the photo?
There are thousands of genuine images of the disaster, far more dramatic than the pathetic staged one.  So why fake it?

I , as I imagine most people, wish to be accurately and factually informed, not presented through the eye of a myopic news editor with a 'slant' on the truth.

If you would like to donate, Oxfam is doing its usual stirling work.
You can donate:
Over the phone by credit or debit card: 0300 200 1300.
By cheque (Payable to "Oxfam"):
Over the counter at any Oxfam shop
By post to Oxfam House, John Smith Drive, Oxford, OX4 2JY.

Following on the success of the Open Mic night last month The Royal Oak will now be holding a Music Night every month.

A change of structure this month heralds the start of a regular monthly event.

I will continue to act as host and am joined by Salty Dog who made a suprise appearance last month, captivating the audience with a great set.

This has allowed me to do something that I believe will be welcomed by many.  A lot of people have seen Rich Howie before, in short bursts as a host for open mic nights around Cheltenham of playing with his old band, 'Snog the Dog'  But it is very rare for Rich to play a full set in his own right.  This will be the one NOT to miss!

Music will comprise of a mix of acoustic, blues, folk, roots and contemporary.

Please note that this is not a karaoke event although there will be a short 'open mic' section after Rich's first set.  Anyone wishing to play should register early as time is very limited.