I realise that in order to write this, I have to admit to watching X Factor, but what the hell, this is important!

I'm totally indifferent to the singing talents of Rihanna, but I do know where I stand on her dress sense. 

Two light years, a solar system and three planets away!

Bloody hell woman, what the hell do you think you look like? 

You look like the aftermath of an explosion in an Oxfam storage-hanger.

Cheryl Cole wig, Carmen Miranda hat, Roy Roger's boots, Vivien Westwood reject frock and a pair of pampers! 

The frock is bad enough, but the pampers!

Thanks to Jon Thomson for this nice collection.

1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23.. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues.
 

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math’s test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” Paddy says? “Dat’s easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9″, says Paddy.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree..

“Ere ye go..”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.”

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere ye go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!”

(This joke was stolen from the <<UK>>Snipers ‘Funny Stuff’ website, contributed by <<UK>>DeadAgain).

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought20them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’
Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’
Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’
‘Nope’, she replied.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert!!!!!!.

(Thanks to Karen for this one).

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
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My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started….
******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it ….. He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”
So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”
And then the fight started…..
*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started…
******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive… so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started…
******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a perso n could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. “I’ll have the steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"
Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…
******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replied, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…..

Those who know me will have heard me say that I went into Cheltenham Hospital with a ‘needle phobia’ and came out 9 weeks later with a ‘needle fetish’.  Sadly it did not last long and my terror of needles returned almost immediately and has plagued me ever since.

My MRI scan this morning was not a problem except this stupid fear of needles.  It’s illogical and totally in my imagination.  I know that.  But it’s like the old faith healer who said that, “Though pain isn’t real, I dislike what I fancy I feel”.

So, sitting in the Scanner ‘Anti-room’, I was going through my usual, “don’t call me brave, I’m a raging coward”, routine to the radiographer with the needle. “What’s your name?”, I asked. 

“Damian”, he said.
“Oh for f*&ks sake!”. 
“Don’t blame me”, he said, “blame my Dad.  I can give you his number if you don’t believe me”.
”I think I already know it”, I responded, “666”.
“No, that’s mine!”, he smiled.

In the meantime he had quietly slipped in the cannula needle.

If you have not been inside an MRI scanner, it’s quite an experience.  The first time I was stunned by the volume of the noise it made.  A bit like standing next to the main speakers in a nightclub on ‘Bad Trance’ night!  I have to say I was a little disappointed that this machine, a later model, was a lot quieter.  I had built myself up to coping with the noise.  In fact, I had taken my iPod with me and was listening to ‘Jeff Beck at Ronnie Scotts’ throughout the whole procedure.

Nothing to it!

For those of you that don’t know, I was born in Bury, Lancs.  And what is Bury famous for? Black Puddings!
Stay with me on this one because I need a couple of lines of explanation.
Firstly, let’s understand one thing, there is ONLY way to eat black pudding and that is to BOIL it!
That’s right, BOIL it!.

Whoever the hell first thought it a good idea to fry it was clearly from some cretinous sub-culture.

And what traditionally is a black pudding made from?
Pigs blood, Pig Rind, Oatmeal, Barley and mixed herbs all inside Pig’s intestine.
Traditionally, this is made into a Black Pudding Ring.
(You can also get them as ‘Sticks’ and ‘Chubs’).

So what is the whinge?
In the absence of the ‘real thing’ I have been eating a passable interpretation from Sainsburys.
However, they appear to have changed their supplier!
The new one omits the Barley, the Oats, and the Pig Rind has been replaced with lumps of lard.
In desperation, I succumbed to the ultimate sacrilige and FRIED it!
BIG MISTAKE, because they had swapped the Intestine with PLASTIC!
That’s NOT a Black Pudding, it’s shit.

Bloody Livid!

Cyclists! Now don’t get me wrong, this is not a whinge about ALL cyclists, just the ones that drive on the same roads as me.

I understand that there are cyclist who obey the rules of the road and are considerate to other road users and their own safety. Unfortunately, in the period of a couple of weeks, there seems to be a whole new generation of idiots taking to the Lycra like a plague of locusts in biblical proportions. Have you ever thought what possesses an otherwise sane human being to go out and buy himself a pair of Lycra shorts? I say he, because I could probably tolerate a female doing that. Just!

What makes them think that they take on a cloak of invincibility when they ride in packs? Single file is great, two abreast, hmmm…, three, stupid and beyond that it’s just plain suicide.

Some time ago, on a trip to mid-Wales, I was toddling along in my old RX7 when I went around a sharp bend only to be confronted by a pack of cyclists spread right across the left side of the road. If anything was coming the other direction it would have been carnage because the choice would have been the wrong side of the road or the Lycra. Sorry, the Lycra gets it. As it was, I was forced across the wrong side and only met with waved fists in my rear mirror by way of thanks. It was some time before I completely lost the urge to turn back and have another go.

Last year, Karan and myself were having lunch in the ‘Greyhound’ pub in Gloucester. We had to wait a while to get served because there was a cycle club on a pub crawl. A PUB CRAWL, on bikes! Half of them were already worse for the wear. What makes beer swilling cyclists immune from the law?

But it’s not just the Lycra mob that leave their brains in their bum-belts. Why is it that twilight is the best time to ride your bike without lights? Dark clothes, no lights, riding on pavements, cutting across traffic at traffic lights, cutting across to the extreme right hand side of a roundabout, (that ones really brain-dead). It seems that there is an ‘alternative’ highway code.

What prompted this week’s whinge was some old prat going about 3 miles an hour in the centre of our lane. Too narrow to overtake and totally oblivious to my toots of the horn, he doggedly held the centre of the road with the occasional weave gently and serenely from side to side. Fortunately I wasn’t in a hurry, but life’s too short. Thankfully, so is our lane.