Thanks to Jon Thomson for this nice collection.

1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23.. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues.
 

I am not nor would not wish the plight of the people of Pakistan to be under estimated. It is without question a disaster of biblical proportions with 20 million stories of tragedy beyond comprehension.

Nonetheless, it exasperates the hell out of me the way that the media is misrepresenting the aid that is peing pledged.

How many people are aware for example that the Asian Development Bank (ADB) is providing Pakistan with $2,000,000,000 (two billion dollars) to help it recover from the devastating floods?
That the UN has pledged $460,000,000, the US $150,000,000, the EU $135,000,000 and Saudi Arabia, $105,000,000?

I am not suggesting for one moment that individuals and organisations should cease raising donations, quite the reverse, I think it right to do so, but I do feel that the media is once again cherry-picking what it reports to the point of missleading and deceiving the public.

The real news should be what is being done, who is doing it, how quickly or otherwise things are being achieved, what we can do as communities and as individuals.

NOT repeatedly showing the same picture of people stood up to their knees in water as a precurser to an appeal, as the BBC has done .
I cite this example because in my view, the imagery they use has clearly been staged for the cameras.  Look carefully the next time it is shown and you can see people to the left and the rear of the picture stood on dry ground looking at the people stood in the water.
Why else would you want to stand in dirty water, when there is dry ground yards away, unless someone had asked you to do so for the purpose of the photo?
There are thousands of genuine images of the disaster, far more dramatic than the pathetic staged one.  So why fake it?

I , as I imagine most people, wish to be accurately and factually informed, not presented through the eye of a myopic news editor with a 'slant' on the truth.

If you would like to donate, Oxfam is doing its usual stirling work.
You can donate:
Over the phone by credit or debit card: 0300 200 1300.
By cheque (Payable to "Oxfam"):
Over the counter at any Oxfam shop
By post to Oxfam House, John Smith Drive, Oxford, OX4 2JY.

Following on the success of the Open Mic night last month The Royal Oak will now be holding a Music Night every month.

A change of structure this month heralds the start of a regular monthly event.

I will continue to act as host and am joined by Salty Dog who made a suprise appearance last month, captivating the audience with a great set.

This has allowed me to do something that I believe will be welcomed by many.  A lot of people have seen Rich Howie before, in short bursts as a host for open mic nights around Cheltenham of playing with his old band, 'Snog the Dog'  But it is very rare for Rich to play a full set in his own right.  This will be the one NOT to miss!

Music will comprise of a mix of acoustic, blues, folk, roots and contemporary.

Please note that this is not a karaoke event although there will be a short 'open mic' section after Rich's first set.  Anyone wishing to play should register early as time is very limited.

Sometimes you work damned hard and have nothing to show for it. This week was the opposite with lots achieved. I'm knackered. But where did the time go. Great, loads done, but it went in a flash. It feels more like hours than days.

Talking of hours, on average, we all have eight hours of sleep and eight of work, but where do the other eight disappear to? I can't remember much of it at all.

Actually, that's a bit of a misnomer, time stands still, or at least it doesn't go anywhere. It's us that travel through it. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. sometimes aware of what we pass by and at others, oblivious to it all.

It's like reading a book on a train. We lose ourselves in the story, transported to another time and place, only to raise our head and find that we are in a different time and place. Not where we started, not where we were in our minds and not where we had consciously transported to.

Going back to my fruitful week; maybe the answer lies in that saying "If you want work well done, select a busy man - the other kind has no time".

There you go, sorted!

Image via Wikipedia

Pathetic!

If Ferrari think that this was a victory, they need to take a look at the footage again. The drivers were ashamed, the engineers were ashamed, the public were ashamed and nobody had anything to celebrate.

If Ferrari want to cheat, they should play somewhere else.

If Alonso thinks he won, think again mate, you were given the win by a teammate who has more honour in his little finger.

If this had been a horse race they would have been in serious shit
In the boxing ring, serious shit.

Ferrari cheated us all out of a clean contest between it's drivers.
THEY BROKE THE RULES
They need the win taken off them.
They should be excluded for the rest of the season.

END OF!

What a brilliant night the first Open Mic at The Royal Oak, Bishops Cleeve turned out to be.

Things started of quietly with a short set by myself followed by another from Rich Howie, (right). Within 30 minutes the room was beginning to fill and people were congregating outside the door. When Rich started his set, there was quite simply a lot of jaws dropping. It was electrifying.

I was really pleased to welcome Joe Griffiths and Nicole Warfield, both from 'Krush' in the audience.

Then Steve Parkes, (below), turned up, guitar over shoulder having just ridden in on his push-bike from Cheltenham. It wasn't long before he was up doing his first set. Scary following Rich!

Nonetheless he carried it off well and was well received by everybody. Despite being concerned how his voice was coming over, I can assure you Steve, it was bloody good.

While Steve was playing, we were joined by Alan Jones, (right), who had WALKED it from Cheltenham! Thank's Alan, that was really nice of you.

Again a great set which went down well, lots of contemporary stuff and a great, distinctive voice, made Liam Gallagher sound a cheap imitation. No names but one young lady was shouting, "Your my favourite, I'm your biggest fan". I had to smile as her husband was sat besides her. I do like your style Alan, always look forward to you playing.

During a short set by myself I was pleased to be joined by Joe on Sax. What a privilege for me. Certainly improved the numbers having the sax filling it out with a couple of solos from Joe.

Everybody came up and did another set ending with a bit of a jam with myself, Joe and Rich, (right). Boy, did I enjoy that!

A longer set by Rich just had people on the edge of their seats. Rich plays loud at times, but it was nice to see that people were listening and not talking, in fact it was like that for most of the night. One good reason for having it in a separate room.

Getting towards 10:30 and three chaps who had been sat in the top bar earlier came into the room. One asked if they could get up and do a couple of songs. Forgive me lads, but the first thing that went through my mind was that they thought it was Karaoke and I wasn't sure what they were going to do. So I said, "Ok, just the one". It was therefore a pleasant surprise when one asked if they could borrow my acoustic and another my electric. But even then I had no idea what was to come. What I didn't realise was that this was "Salty Dog". Halfway through the first number and I was in the bar negotiating an extension, which fortunately they agreed to. What a great time the lads gave us. Everybody was grinning like Cheshire cats. Wow, what a night this was turning into. 

Salty Dog were the surprise of the night.

Just when we thought it was all over, with Rich doing a couple of closing numbers, we were in for the treat of the night. He started playing "Smokestack Lightning" and was joined after the first minute by the harp player from Salty Dog. Things like this don't happen too often these days.

Rich ended the night with a superb version of Black Sabbath's "Fairies Wear Boots", How the hell do you hit those notes? Awesome.

Yes, it was a great night and one for which I was so proud to have been part of. What astonished me, was at the end, everybody was shaking everybody else's hands. Audience and musicians, musicians and musicians, but amazingly, the audience were congratulating each other! What a success. Thanks to everybody. It really was a dream come true for me.
Let's hope that the landlord lets us do it again.

The Prince of Wales, Cheltenham has just changed hands and scrapped the Open Mic night.

So Rich Howie quickly reorganised an impromptue Open Mic at the St Paul's Tavern.  Now nobody could suggest that there was a big crowd, given the short notice, but that didn't stop eveybody having a good time.

I really enjoyed playing and listening to the rest of the guys. It was good to have an acoustic bass backing me too, considering the odd keys I was playing in, it was an impressive jam.

So well done to, Rich, Alan Jones and Stephen Parkes, (forgive me I can't remember the bass player's name), I hope you can all make it to the Royal Oak on Wednesday.  It would be great to hear you all again. 

That looks like it could be a very busy night if everybody who says they'll come, do so.

I have owned an iPhone for some time now and overall am very happy with it.
However, there have always been some issues with the strength of the signal, especially at home.
I have spoken with Vodafone about this an they told me that it was an issue with many iPhones, but nonetheless replaced the phone, (upgrading it to 32gb at the same time; they really are very nice people at Vodafone).
Meanwhile, I discovered that it had a lot to do with the way that you hold the phone.
Gripping near the top often results in a better signal, or simply putting on the table works.

Apple say that a software fault exaggerated the strength of the signal, indicating calls could be made when they could not. They said the software problem had been present since it released the first iPhone three years ago.
The iPhone illuminates five bars to indicate signal strength, with one being low and five high. Apple said that iPhones over-estimated the strength by up to two bars.
“We have discovered the cause of this dramatic drop in bars, and it is both simple and surprising... Upon investigation, we were stunned to find that the formula we use to calculate how many bars of signal strength to display is totally wrong. Our formula, in many instances, mistakenly displays 2 more bars than it should for a given signal strength. For example, we sometimes display 4 bars when we should be displaying as few as 2 bars.”
They also say “Users observing a drop of several bars when they grip their iPhone in a certain way are most likely in an area with very weak signal strength, but they don’t know it because we are erroneously displaying 4 or 5 bars. Their big drop in bars is because their high bars were never real in the first place.”

That's not true. That is simply managing expectation, NOT fixing the issue. And if you think it's me that's got it wrong; one, I studied management of expectation as my thesis for my MBA so I know it when I see it, two, I've talked enough bullshit in my time and can smell it a mile off, and three, look at this photo I took.

You might have to squint a bit to see it but the HTC on the left is showing 3 bars, the old Motorola in the middle has 4 bars and the iPhone on the right has 'No Service'.

Now by Apple's reckoning, the iPhone should be 'over compensating' and showing 5 bars.

Come on Apple fess up, you've been rumbled.

Today sees the launch of a new website for Everybodies Health & Fitness Club.

Whilst strictly speaking, I no longer design websites, focusing now on internet consultancy, this site was a bit of a labour of love for both Karan and myself.

More than simply a gym, Everybodies offer everyone, regardless of their size, shape, age or ability the opportunity to improve their fitness level and have fun.

The friendly and non-threatening environment combined with effective programmes provided by professional and experienced instructors, help achieve real results and maintain motivation and enthusiasm to reach goals.

Both the website and the Club come with both our endorsements
By the way, there's some fantastic FREE offers on at the moment!

I just thought that you might like a taster of Rich Howie.

Brilliant news.  Darren, the landlord of the Royal Oak has given the go ahead for an Open Mic night on Wednesday, 21st, July.

The first night will be a 'pilot' but I am sure that it will just be the first of many.

Rich Howie will be assisting me on the night and I'm sure that fans of Rich will be excited with the new venue.  Rich is well know around Cheltenham and is the resident host at The Prince of Wales in Portland St.

The night will be a mix of music ranging from Folk, Blues and Rock.  Experience has taught me that acoustic sets can't easily follow a rock set, especially when Murry or one of his mates is on the drums. 

Also, I am keen to give newcomers a chance to air their stuff and to pick up some tips from the 'Pros'. Therefore, there is an hour put aside for them before the main event and before the public arrive.

A rough timetable for the evening is as follows:

7:00 - 8:00  Beginner's Workshop.

8:00 - 9:30  Acoustic and Unplugged.  (Yes, electric guitars can be used but no drums and bass at this time).

9:30 - 11:00  Anything goes. (Drums, Bass, Guitar, Sax, Keyboards etc.)

The whole idea is for individuals to play a few numbers, but everybody is invited to enter into the spirit with a jam whenever appropriate.

Pleas note that this is not a karaoke event although singers are invited to jam with the musicians.

There is no need for anyone to register in advance, but it would be nice to hear from anyone likely to attend that night musician, or visitor.

Finally got around to doing some recording this morning.
I'm getting the hang of Cubase but I've still a long way to go yet.

Anyway, this , 'Visions of Johanna' is my favorite number at the moment.
Please leave a comment, good or bad.
It's the only way I'll learn.

It was "Ground Hog Day" last week in Bishops Cleeve.
A number of people have asked why I didn't do the photography for the Annual Carnival.  Well, the answer is simply this; For this years photos, please refer to last years photos, (and indeed, the previous year's).

It's just plain boring.  Same theme, same vintage cars, same, London Red Bus, same pig roast, same climbing wall, same army vehicles, same costumes, same no-show fly past.  Sorry lads, but same Morris Dancers and same Chelsea Pensioners.  Same belly dancers, same 'simulator', same stalls, same old same old! The main difference was the kiddies roundabout, there were only half the rides and the roof was missing.

On other hand, the tour of the new extension to the Tithe Barn was fascinating, "That's where the staircase will be, the lift goes there, that's going to be the entrance, your standing in the reception area, it's going to be nice!  Right, great tour! How on earth did they manage to get planning permission for it by the way.  Given that the King's Head has had to rely on a 'permanent' Marquee for weddings etc., because they can't get planning permission for a sympathetic extension to their grade two listed pub!  This is an ultra modern extension made of a little concrete and a lot of glass with a glass roof, that clashes with the original 15th Century building, the first of its kind in England, and constructed of Cotswold Stone with a Cotswold stone roof supported on an oak hammer beam roof structure.  But that's a completely separate whinge.

There was a peculiar mood on the day with nobody appearing as cheerful and involved as last year, there were some dirty tricks going on as well.  I know that Freda and John Burton together with his staff had spent days preparing a fantastic display in their shoe shop.  Sadly, the stall in front chose to drape a tarpaulin across the front of it, totally obliterating the window.   Now the cynical amongst us might suspect that John's withdrawal from the Carnival Committee might have something to do with it, others might just consider it thoughtless, totally selfish and unnecessary!

Going back many years ago, easily 20, I was proud to have been instrumental in the organisation of the first Victorian Festival, in Llandrindod Wells, Mid-Wales.  That festival still exists today and has turned into a week long festival attracting visitors from all around the world.  I was also involved in the early days of the Bishops Cleeve carnival, through the Chamber of Commerce who instigated it.  Just to be clear, that's the Chamber of Commerce and NOT the Parish Council who appear to relish in the myth that they are in some way responsible.  Sadly, the enthusiasm that was there in the early days has reduced to the easy option, "Let's do what we did last year".

St Michael's & All Angels Church in Bishop's Cleeve

In fairness, it can't be easy to attribute any consistent theme for the village.  It's a mixture of the old with the modern.  That's not a criticism, it's a fact.  Sadly, respective planning committees have allowed some pretty unsympathetic development to sit alongside out 15th Century Tithe Barn, our two Black and White pubs, the 12th and 13th century houses, our numerous Picture book Thatched Cottages, our Cotswold stone houses and picturesque lanes.  We've even routed our little brook to run virtually totally underground through the village, only running above ground during floods.  Oh and then of course there's Tescos, (least said).

So what could we do with our festivals?
Well, I suppose we've got an empty canvas.  However, given the over exposure to the War period, we might look to something more current that we have a preponderance of in Cleeve, youth and children, and something that will be there forever, a future. Why can't we celebrate what we are?  Why can't we celebrate what we aspire to be?  Surely we can take what is left of our heritage as a rural village and use it as a foil for a celebration of our future.  Perhaps in doing so we might at least give some mitigation to the discombobulation that is the Tithe Barn.

Why does everything have to smell?  On the face of it, that may seem a silly question, but think about it.  A huge amount of the stuff you buy has an added smell.   Toilet cleaner, okay maybe!  furniture polish, why?

My point is that so much we buy is unnecessarily perfumed.  A recent survey in the Telegraph puts Washing Powder and Cleaning Products as number 2 and 4 in the list of the top 10 smells in a house. More...

The reason I brought it up was because of a new fabric conditioner that Karan bought this week. I noticed a really sharp and pungent smell all through the house and after a bit of sniffing around identified it as the Comfort fabric conditioner.

So why did it have to smell? I assume it's to make all the washing smell fresh, (whatever 'fresh' smells like).  So why so strong and pungent?  I could smell it in the office three closed doors away!  I could taste it in the kitchen.  It was everywhere, not least on the bedsheets.  It was totally intrusive.
To paraphrase Dr Johnson: only noses smell - everything else stinks.

So why have added smells to everything?   Start making a list and you will be surprised how long it gets.  Toiletries and household liquids seem to be the worst. Soap, Hand cream, shaving cream, Baby oil.  Ah Baby Oil, now that's enough to put anybody off breeding!

Now I do appreciate that there are things in life that naturally smell bad.  Dog farts, Cat shit, Dog shit, basically anything else that comes at the tail end of the bodies energy production process.  The stuff we don't have control over.

Spanish, Greek,  and many other, sewage systems.  Burning rubber, stale beer, B.O. cigarette smells, stale milk. Stuff we DO have control over but choose to put up with.   At least we don't bottle any of it and spray it over ourselves and our possessions.

I'm going to put White Lilies and Marmite in a class of their own.  I hate the lilies, but love the Marmite.  That's all just a matter of taste, (if you'll excuse the pun).

It's because of the above that we find it necessary to use more pleasant smells to mask the less pleasant.  But there's a limit.  £60 for a 100ml of Prada, Eau de Cologne and then we put on a load of clothes that stink of bloody fabric conditioner!  We buy a bowl of flowers for the sideboard and then spray the chuffing thing with furniture spray smelling of lavender.  If I'd wanted the room to smell of lavender, I'd have bought bloody lavender!

This is for my friend Pauline.

Allan Francis Smethurst (November 19, 1927 - December 23, 2000), aka The Singing Postman was an English postman and singer.

Born in Bury, Lancashire, (where incidentally, I was born), the son of Allan and Gladys Mabel (nee Curson), Smethurst was raised in Sheringham, Norfolk. His mother came from the nearby village of Stiffkey. He later moved away from Norfolk.

A real life postman, Smethurst hummed tunes on his daily post round for many years, writing and singing songs in his native Norfolk dialect in the 1950s. An audition tape sent to BBC Norfolk Radio earned him a spot on Ralph Tuck's local radio show, and Tuck recorded Smethurst on his own record label, "The Smallest Recording Organisation in the World" based in Lowestoft. A four track EP made the EP charts in 1965 and after another EP release by Ralph Tuck and an album The Singing Postman's Year he was signed to EMI who re-released earlier songs and recorded new items. He made numerous live and promotional performances, including Top of the Pops but was afflicted by nerves and stage fright.

In 1966, the Singing Postman's best known hit "Hev Yew Gotta Loight, Boy?" won Smethurst the Ivor Novello Award for best novelty song of the year. The hit knocked the Beatles from the top of the East Anglia hit parade and remained in the charts for nine weeks. Rolf Harris recorded a cover version without success. The song had a small comeback in 1994 when it was featured on a television commercial for Ovaltine.

He quit the music business in 1970, later admitting he had an alcohol problem and that he'd spent all his money and was penniless. He spent his last few years living quietly in a Salvation Army hostel in Grimsby where he died in December 2000.

Words to "HEV YEW GOTTA LOIGHT, BOY?"

I have seen a lot of attempts to produce the lyrics in a Norfolk dialect.
However, I believe that many are interpreting Allen's pronounced lisp as a heavy dialect, when in fact, his accent is not pronounced at all.
I have therefore 'cleaned' up the lyrics and checked against the recording to produce a more manageable version. (Roger).

I had a gal, a very nice gal, down in Wroxham way
She were whooly nice to me in the ole school days.
She would smile all the while, but Daddy didn’t know all
What she used to say to me behind the garden wall.
Have you got a light, boy? Have you got a light,

Then one day, she went away, I don’t see her no more,
Till by chance, I see her down along the Mundesley shore.
She was there, twice as fair, would she now be true?
So when she see me passing by she say 'I'm glad that’s you,
Have you got a light, boy? Have you got a light?'

Molly Windley, she smoked like a chimley,
But she's my little nicotine gal.

Now you'll see her and me never more to part,
We would wander hand in hand together in the dark.
Then one night I held her tight in the ole back yard,
But when I tried to hold her close, she say 'Now hold you hard!
Have you got a light, boy? Have you got a light?

Molly Windley, she smoked like a chimley,
But she's my little nicotine gal.

By and by we decide on the wedding day,
So we toddle off to catch to hear the preacher say:
'Do you now, take this vow, to honour all the time?'
Afore I had the chance to stop her, she begin to pine:
Have you got a light, boy? Have you got a light?

Molly Windley, she smoked like a chimley,
But she's my little nicotine gal.

Now the doctor tell me a Daddy I will be,
So when I ask him 'What’s the score?' he say 'There's only three'
So, here I go, cheerio, to see how she do fare,
I know what she will say to me as soon as I get there:
Have you got a light, boy? Have you got a light?

It looks as though people are waking up.

I'm not confusing Global Warming with Climate Change but who could blame me if I did.
The media doesn't seem to known the difference.

Nor am I confusing the natural cycle of  climate change with any man-made change.
Dispite the inability of the media to differenciate

Nor indeed am I confusingshort term with long term change.
Again something that appears to confuse media.

Perhaps it's because of the publication of false claims by the IPCC
(Read: The IPCC's problems have been compounded by its imperious attitude (guardian.co.uk)

Perhaps it was the hacked emails scandal:
(Read: Leaked climate change emails scientist 'hid' data flaws. ) (guardian.co.uk)

Whatever the reason, it put a smile on my face!

When I wrote the story of Kerry Robertson, and Mark McDougall,  who went on the run after British social services said she was not clever enough to raise a child, I thought that there was a ray of hope for them bgoth and their baby.

I hadn't reckoned on the bloody minded tenacity of Social Services at Fife Council, who arranged for the baby to be snatched from the maternity ward he and his mother were in just four days after Ben was born.

Fife had collaborated with Irish social workers who marched into the maternity ward and forced Kerry to hand him over.

I want to add more about this but I would just end up plagerising this article from the Dail Mail. Read more:

Just take a look at the first picture and tell me that it is a picture of a child at risk and a mother likely to do harm.

There's a Facebook campaign too: Click Here

**The following update was copied from the “Support Kerry Robertson and Mark McDougall to keep their baby!!” page on facebook**
I am working on the assumption that as this is in the public domain, copyright does not exist.
If I'm wrong, then let me know and I will remove it immediately.

Originally attributed to David J. Anderson 28/01/2010
The Moses basket sits beside the bed, its new blankets carefully arranged awaiting its owner’s arrival. Piles of newborn baby clothes - mostly in shades of blue - lie neatly folded on a chair. Like any new mother, Kerry Robertson spent weeks excitedly preparing for he…r first child’s arrival - and yet 13 days after his birth, all the carefully arranged baby paraphernalia remains unused.

Kerry Robertson Loving mother: Kerry Robertson, 17, was told she would not be able to bring up her baby son Ben because she has mild learning difficulties And yet today Kerry and her partner, Mark McDougall, 25, will finally be able to lay their son Ben down to sleep in the basket they bought for him with such hope.

Kerry, who has mild learning difficulties, and Mark went on the run from their home in Fife, Scotland, last November after British social services said she was not clever enough to raise a child. They hoped that by escaping to Ireland they would be left alone to be a family together. But when Ben was four days old, social workers caught up with them, marching into the maternity ward and forcing them to hand him over.

Only after a court hearing last Friday were the parents told they will get their child back - albeit under supervision. Today, Kerry will move into a mother and baby unit where the 17-year-old will be under constant surveillance - but that is undoubtedly the lesser of two evils for the couple, given that they feared they might lose custody of the child they fought so hard to keep.

‘To say it’s been a roller coaster is an understatement,’ says Mark. ‘Witnessing them take Ben from Kerry made me cry. He was sleeping in her arms after his feed and looked so peaceful. ‘I tried to argue with them, but they said no. ‘It’s only after they’ve read medical reports from the hospital, in which the midwives and medical staff said we are loving parents, that it appears they’ve decided we can have Ben back after all.

‘Kerry will be able to care for Ben all day, every day and I’ll be allowed to stay at the unit as often as I like. ‘Needless to say, we can’t wait to be reunited with our beloved son.’

This isn’t the only battle the couple have fought to ensure Kerry leads a normal life. She has been brought up by her grandmother since she was nine months old, with the care overseen by Fife social services. But she says that, as an adult, there were no signs of the problems to come until social services heard she was pregnant and getting married.

Last September, in an unprecedented step, the couple’s white church wedding was halted just 48 hours beforehand, in a row over whether Kerry was intelligent enough to marry. Shortly after, Fife social services told the couple they believed that, because of Kerry’s learning difficulties, her unborn baby would be taken into care. The claim that Kerry is too stupid to get married or have a baby is something she and Mark, an artist, vehemently refute. ‘Social services are ruining my life,’ she says. ‘First, I was stopped from getting married and then they took my baby.’ Kerry and Mark say she has never even had a formal psychological assessment.

And the couple point out that before Kerry became pregnant herself, she worked as a childcare worker with children at a local school - and in fact, with considerable irony, holds a certificate in child care. Kerry says: ‘It’s true I didn’t get many qualifications at school, but I never had very good teaching. ‘I did study for my childcare qualification, I can read and write. I send texts, go on the internet and do everything for myself. ‘I usually cook for us. I chose most of the clothes for our baby and sorted out all the piles of nappies, tubs of baby creams and toys. ‘I wanted everything to be ready for him when we brought him home.’

Indeed, upon first meeting, Kerry strikes you as no different to many other young woman. Slim and quirkily dressed, it’s clear that, like anyone of her age, she loves to experiment with make-up and clothes. ‘Social services are ruining my life. First, I was stopped from getting married and then they took my baby’ Nevertheless, she is painfully shy - it is Mark’s belief that it is this which gives social workers the impression her learning difficulties are worse than they are. But gain her trust and she chats away happily like any other teenager. In fact, I don’t believe anyone meeting her in a group of young people would even identify learning difficulties.

As for Mark, he has an impressive clutch of GCSEs under his belt, as well as two As in his Highers - the Scottish equivalent of A levels - in art and English. He is an accomplished artist who makes a reasonable living selling his sketches and charcoal pictures worldwide - he showed me a picture he drew of newborn Ben, and it is a very accurate likeness. Mark says: ‘Neither Kerry nor me have ever had any conviction for cruelty or violence. I don’t understand why the authorities have treated us like this.’ So what is the truth? Kerry admits she is no Einstein, but she seems like any other teenager.

Seeing her with Mark, hand-in-hand on the sofa at their rented house in Ireland, some would say they seem more mature than many young lovers. Binge-drinking, casual relationships and parties couldn’t be further from their minds. Both say they prefer an evening in with friends. If anything, they could be described as somewhat old-fashioned. Mark says: ‘When we discovered Kerry was pregnant we wanted to get married. It was important to us that our baby was born to married parents.’ That wedding was set to take place in a church, organised by Mark’s father, who had arranged for the congregation to produce a homemade buffet for their reception.

Although Kerry was brought up in the care of her grandmother, she comes from a close-knit community with a large extended family of aunts and uncles. Her younger brother, who’s nine, still lives with her grandmother.

The couple met last January through friends. ‘I certainly didn’t think Kerry had learning difficulties,’ says Mark. ‘At first she just seemed quiet, but I soon discovered a quirky sense of humour, and that’s what attracted me to her.’ By March, they were a couple and the following month Kerry moved into Mark’s one-bedroom flat. It was shortly after this that Kerry became pregnant.

Kerry says: ‘When I told my grandmother I was pregnant, she got a care worker to take me to the GP. ‘It was then that the care worker said to me: “You know you won’t be able to keep this baby don’t you?”‘ Mark adds: ‘It was only at this stage I realised how seriously social services viewed Kerry’s so-called condition. ‘It was a very upsetting time, as the care worker suggested to Kerry it might be better if she had a termination. ‘But neither of us wanted an abortion. Kerry said she could never do that.’ So the couple pressed on with the pregnancy and, as they heard nothing more from social services, put their worries to the back of their minds. Mark says: ‘When Kerry was three months pregnant, we decided to marry. ‘I bought Kerry an engagement ring - a little pink one with a diamond type stone - and we held a party.’

The pair set the date for the wedding in September. Mark recalls: ‘Kerry had bought her dress, the church was booked, a cake made and the reception organised. ‘But two days before, there was a frantic knocking at our front door and we were confronted by two social workers who told us our wedding was illegal. ‘Kerry and I were devastated, but we had no option but to cancel our big day.’ ‘The care worker suggested to Kerry it might be better if she had a termination’

It later transpired Fife social services had made the extraordinary step of writing a letter of objection to the registrar, claiming Kerry was too dim to understand her vows. The couple have since attempted to marry again, but have been told that, as an order is still in place, a wedding is forbidden. But if that weren’t enough, in October, when Kerry was five months pregnant, the couple were called into a meeting with social services and told their baby would be taken into care at birth. Kerry says: ‘I couldn’t stop crying. By then, I’d already found out I was having a little boy and we had decided to name him Ben. ‘I’d felt him kick inside me.’

Mark adds: ‘There was no mention of trying to help Kerry or give her the chance to be a mum. ‘At that time, they said Kerry would be allowed only a few hours with him. It seemed then he would go to foster parents, and there was the fear he would be adopted and we would lose him for ever. ‘It didn’t seem to matter to social services that we loved one another and wanted to get married.’ The worry was so great that Mark began researching on the internet other cases in which parents had faced losing their babies in this way.

He says: ‘I discovered that many couples had been forced to flee the UK and go to other countries where the authorities take a different view and are keen to keep families together. ‘It seemed a huge step to take. ‘Neither Kerry nor myself wanted to leave home, where we had family and support. But in the end we felt we had no choice.’ The couple decided to go to Ireland, where they believed their case would be looked on more sympathetically.

So in November, having held a tearful farewell gathering - and with just £200 in their pockets, a suitcase and a bag of sandwiches made by Kerry - the pair stole out of their house in the dead of night. The couple made it to Belfast, where they stayed for eight weeks. ‘Not having social workers knocking on our doors, wanting meetings all the time, was fantastic,’ says Mark. ‘For the first time in Kerry’s pregnancy, we could enjoy it.’

The pair were financed by friends and family - although Mark continued to sell his artwork. ‘I missed my grandma, my little brother and my family terribly,’ says Kerry. ‘It was hard to be away from them at Christmas. ‘But I consoled myself that it would be worth it. I could hold Ben in my arms and not worry he would be taken.’ Kerry and Mark made the final leg of their journey to Waterford in the Republic of Ireland - which is not governed by UK laws - two weeks after Christmas, with the birth of the baby looming.

There, with the help of a donation from a secret benefactor, they were able to find a safe house. Mark recalls: ‘We rented a beautiful little house. Waterford is a seaside resort and we decided to make a new life there.’ On Friday, January 15 at 8.41pm, their hopes were realised when, after a natural labour, Ben was finally born. The happy couple took photos of their 7lb 3oz bundle. And for three days all appeared to be well. Mark visited the hospital daily, and close friends who knew where they were sent congratulations cards.

Meanwhile, Kerry took to breastfeeding and caring for Ben without any problems. Behind the scenes, however, social workers were gearing up to strike. Through medical records, the Irish authorities had discovered that social workers in Fife had an interest in Kerry. ‘It seems they contacted Fife, who told them they feared because of Kerry’s “disability” our baby could suffer physical or emotional neglect,’ explains Mark.

The following Monday, the couple were told a social worker would visit them the next day, and at that point they were not unduly concerned. ‘We are honest, so we were happy to co-operate fully,’ says Mark. ‘We would have been pleased to be monitored. ‘Even putting Kerry into a home for new mums with babies so she could prove she can be a good mother would have been fine. ‘We understood that the Irish social workers needed to make their own inquiries, and were perfectly happy to do whatever it took to keep Ben.’

So they were totally unprepared when, at the 9.15am meeting on the Tuesday, they were forced to hand over their baby.

Since then he has been looked after by foster carers. They have been allowed two-hourly visits with Ben. But even now, as they’re about to be reunited with their baby, there is no denying that the episode has been highly distressing. Kerry says: ‘I was so upset when I saw him the first time with the social workers because he had a dummy in his mouth. ‘I told them I didn’t want him having a dummy.  And he is being bottle fed, but I wanted to breastfeed him. ‘I’m just so happy that I’ll be with my baby. I don’t know how long I’ll be at the unit. ‘I’ll miss Mark if he’s not allowed to stay over - but Ben comes first.’

There’s no denying that she and Mark sincerely hope today heralds the start of life as a normal, happy family.

When it comes to food, I've had a lifetime's experience of eating the stuff and I've managed to whittle down a range of favourites. So  why is it that when you find something good, some prick has to come along and improve it? Even when something is near perfect,  it has to be 'improved'. Or is 'Improved' simply a euphemism for 'We've put cheaper ingredients in it and by telling you it's improved, we hope you don't notice' You can see why someone would want to use the former, because the latter is a bloody great mouthful. More than can be said about the subsequent improved offering. After years of searching, I finally settled on Baxters, Cream of Mushroom soup. It's got mushrooms in it, you can see them, you can taste them, and the consistency is that of cream. Indeed, I like most Baxters soups, they seem to do what they say on the tin. But, guess what? They've 'improved it' How? Well for a start they've minced the mushrooms up so you can't see them, and they've changed the consistency to that of snot. You know what I mean, blobby whilst at the same time sticky! A bit like Heinz Cream of Whatever. Oh, by the way, they've also hiked the price up! As if that wasn't enough, my favourite takeaway, Sainsbury's own brand 'Butter Chicken Curry' has mutated into something else. It has lost half of the chicken it once contained whilst substituting it for meat that originated from something that crawled out of a swamp. There is a bonus though with this one, because I had a Butter Chicken Curry from Staddlestones last night. (they're the restaurant that did the great food at my 60th party). It was awesome, the best ever! But Sainsbury's can shove theirs back up the arse of the idiot that improved the recipe. Oh, by the way, they've also hiked the price up! It makes you wonder why they do it. The Mushroom Soup was Baxters 'Best Seller' The Butter Chicken was their 'Best Seller' Coca Cola changed it's recipe some time ago and immediately lost a BIG chunk of their market share; they soon changed it back! Best selling 'Blackthorn Cider' much beloved by drinkers throughout the West Country for its dry taste, was relaunched in April 2009 with a lower alcohol content and sweeter taste.  It lost most of it's drinkers. Why not launch Blackthorne 'Sweet' Cider? It's one thing to try to improve on something that is not as good as the competition, but for a Best Seller! Problem is, everybody loses.

I've been messing around with my Christmas present, a Line 6 UX2 USB interface for the guitar and Mic.  Effectively, a small recording studio with Cubase 5.

This is my first attempt.

The backing is Santana, the guitar is myself.
(You can probably tell!)

What a dilemma for the media.  On the one hand we have the farcical Copenhagen Climate Conference struggling to establish what to believe, who to believe, who to blame, what to charge, what capital can be made and who should take the credit.

On the other hand we have 'Extreme' weather conditions being experienced in the UK at the moment.  Extreme my arse!

Wikipedia defines Extreme weather as: "Extreme weather includes weather phenomena that are at the extremes of the historical distribution, especially severe or unseasonal weather."  The met office define it as: well nothing really.  It is a term they use when talking about the 'extreme' of any weather over a given period.  So, the extreme was 2" of rainfall in Manchester and 0" in Cardiff today.  It is not a measure to describe either good or bad weather.  The Met Office use the term 'Severe' for that.

The lowest recorded temperature in the UK was  -27.2C in 1895 Braemar (Aberdeenshire);  in England, -26.1C 1982, Newport (Shropshire).

So what have we?  It is 20th December, next week is the shortest day of the year, (does that make it an 'extreme' day?), The white stuff falling out of the sky is called 'snow' and there's a severe weather warning which says, "Heavy snow showers may give accumulations of 2 to 5cm and there is a risk of 10 to 15cm over hills."  For the sake of the BBC, ITV and Sky, that's NOT extreme.

Classic quote from the 'outside' weather girl as I write, "There has been 20cm of snow, that's 8 inches, and if you look behind me you can see just how deep that is!"  Actually you could. It was just about reaching the top of the kerb on the road.  Big Deal!

How do we react?  We close schools, we close airports, we cancel trains, close the channel tunnel and park up on motorways.

Then again, it did come as a complete surprise didn't it.  I mean, who ever heard of snow at Christmas, (sorry, Winterfest)?